Tuesday 30 December 2008

'Why aren't you married?'

It's a question I'm asked at least once a day, often many times more. Over time I'm getting better at answering without getting annoyed. I'm not apologetic any longer and I even manage to have a little fun shocking people with the explanation that marriage is optional in my culture and can be done at any age.

My colleagues ask. My students ask. My hairdresser asks. The local police ask when I go ask for permission to leave the village. My cook is most concerned and would ask more often but he's smart enough to know not to. And last night the elderly owner of a hotel I stayed at in Jaipur asked. He took my hand and stared at my palm as if he was going to give a reading.

'Good news or bad?' I asked.
He said nothing for half a minute and then 'Twenty nine.'.
'Yes?'
'Your age in your passport. Are you married?'
'No.'
'Your youth is going to waste.'
'It's not. I'm making the most of it.'
'Ah, yes. Frittering your life away with no responsibilities.'
'I have plenty of responsibilities! Just no marriage ones.'
Do your parents feel upset that you aren't married? Don't they want to have grandchildren?'
'I have a lot of brothers and sisters. My parents are glad that we're independent and responsible.'
'Are they married?'
'My sister is.'
'Ah, but that is different. Girls join the husbands family. They do not carry on the family line.'
'Our culture is different. My sister and her husband live in the same street as my parents.'

Thankfully we shifted topic to my work. The respite didn't last long, however, as my cook was hinting as soon as I got home today. I'd been over to his house for dinner on Christmas day and after seeing me with his kids he decided I'm more than ready.

I guess I'm lucky that he's illiterate or he would notice my fixation with the matrimonials section of the newspaper. Since I discovered the fun columns like 'divorced' and 'cosmopolitan', I've been totally hooked.

Today I saw the ad below, a disappointment from an agency that usually prints ads suggesting (slightly radically) that it's more important to find someone with similar interests rather than someone with the same caste or even religion.

'Firangi Mem' means 'white woman' (the allusion is a haughty Raj era madam) and 'Bahu' means 'daughter in law'.


On an equally sinister note, I saw this sign in Delhi a couple of days ago. They've obviously got ways of making sure the slogan stays true.

5 comments:

j a s o n said...

I look forward to hearing the moment your relatives start setting you up with "nice" people...

Jean said...

Glad to see you're blogging again! :)

But would the villagers go as far as setting you up with girls - or is the cultural / race difference too much of a gap to bridge?

Offside: you need to ask the police for permission to leave the village?!?

Joe said...

I get a lot of recommendations that I should marry a local girl because she wouldn't divorce me but I don't think anyone would go far in setting anything up.

I've had proposals (from fathers, mothers, uncles) in other parts of India but I don't think it'd happen here. Besides, I'm getting past the proper marrying age.

Yep, I'm registered as a foreigner with the district police station (a complex process that took half a day and a few hundred rupees in tips) and I have to inform the local station any time I go out of the area.

Shruti D. said...

Interesting. I didn't realize we projected our (and by our I just mean Indian society as a whole) obsession with being married onto non-Indian people as well.

Joe said...

Yep, it's always the next question after name and country.

I just looked at your blogs and really enjoyed them. I'm disappointed that they all look to be abandoned!